I fear I may be losing my ever lovin' mind! Yesterday was going to be the first day I didn't cry about Tori.....EEEEEEEEH, WRONG ANSWER! I cried 2 different times! I miss hearing her little "tinker bell" jingle when she ran through the house. I am trying to look at the good things, no more pooping on the floor, no more finding kitty litter covered cat crap on the floor from her getting it outta Salem's box and EATING it..Those are things I won't miss for sure! Oscar's been depressed so I've been trying to give him TLC. He's still sniffing around looking for her which makes me want to cry, but I don't.

Everyone at the gym has been so supportive of me and so has my mom. Hell, one of the women started crying hearing me talk about Tori's last few days.

I stayed up with her and slept in the floor Friday because she was oozing this nassy stuff outta her butt and puking alot. I didn't want to leave her but I didn't want that smell in my bed either. Saturday I put her outside again since it wasn't hot and she could be free to poo where she wanted. Then I gave her a bath, wrapped her up in a potty pad, towels, and blanket and cuddled her up in bed with me. I dozed off a few times but amazingly woke up right on time every 2 hours to give her the iv drip. When I woke up at 6 am she looked very out of it and seemed extremely dehydrated so I gave her the iv in all 4 spots, her medicine for her runs, and her meds for her nausea. She made the most horrible moaning sound when I left her so I could go potty. I stroked her and told her she'd be ok, her and the puppies would be just fine.(She was preggo with at least 2) Then I dozed off and when I woke up at 8 am due to a fu&%ed up nightmare, she was dead. I put her in one of her Tinkerbell dresses and told Derek to take her to be buried. I didn't want the kids to see her that way.

It was a wretched day but it is getting better slowly. Getting outta here and hitting the gym is a HUUUUUUUUUGE help. Maybe the good that will come outta her death will be me having a hot bod?...nahh I'd rather be flabby and have my puppy then hot and not.

I'm up to 500 crunches 3-5 times a week now. I actually walked to the gym - 2 blocks yesterday! Derek and Chance ran into me 2 blocks from the gym and drove me the rest of the way. Today it's raining, but I'm going to ride Chelsea's bike as soon as I get a break in the rain. I walked almost 4 miles in less than an hour. That should take me maybe 30 mins on the bike!

Thanks Ally, Brian, and mom for being such wonderful people and knowing how much I loved Tori. I haven't been getting much support lately from places that I should be getting it, so having my friends/family come through for me makes it a lot easier on me. I truly feel like I lost 3 or 4 puppies instead of 1. I was scared but kind of excited about the aspect of Tori having babies. Oscar's babies no less...so they were bound to be smart! Tori was kinda airheaded like me, but Oscar has my smart side...lol...

Peace out!